Such a witty lot
 

When District line trains used to reverse east to west on Sundays at Charing x [now Embankment] stafF obviously would walk the along detraining passengers. One Sunday a passenger wondering what to do called the porter and said "Aldgate East" and the porter replied as quick as a flash in broad Cockney "Aldgate East"?...Nah..ALL GIT AHT!!

Alittle old Jewish gentleman got out of a westbound District train at Charing Cross [EMB] and walked up to the guard wearing a rather large hearing aid apparatus [before the war] He enquired of the Guard "How do I gets to 'ampstead mate" in a yiddisher accent. The Guard told him "Down the escalator" "VOT?" Guard [a bit louder] "Down the escalator" "VOT?" Guard now bawls out "ESCALATOR, ESCALATOR" "Esk yer later,.... vy? I wants to know now"

Another time a woman ticket collector had one of these "Punks" with multi coloured spiky hair come up the escalator and said he had no ticket and asked the fare from Piccadilly. The woman answered " Wun pahnd twenty fer you and 'alf price fer yer Parrot".

An old lady got off a train and knocked on the staff door and complalned in a loud voice that at 'ammersmiff station a pigeon had "s*it on her new 'at and what were the staff going to do about it? She was told to go back and get the pigeon and they would wipe it's arse.

One occasion a lady of ample proportions who lived across the road from the station came in and startled the booking clerk by asking him if he had seen her fanny. Turns out she was looking for her cat.

I myself got my come uppance as a guard when I had a packed train and they were fighting to get out let alone in. A passner who saw it was hopeless asked me how long was the next train. I told him the same length as my one. He replid immediately "Has that one got a p*sshole at the back as well?"

Another day a woman asked the staff if they knew the way to Oldham and was told not to be so rude.

A delay had occured owing the person having jumped under a train further up the line and waiting passengers were told at which a young lad piped up "I bet he was cut up about that"

Life's a laff at times. :p

On a train coming into a London terminus the other day a foreign-sounding lady asked me: 'Does this train stop at Victoria?'
'There'll be a hell of a bump if it doesn't!' said I. (The old ones are the best).

She looked bemused rather than amused.

What a great bunch of railway jokes, I'm sure there are many more.

A shorter version of the one I have quoted above was used by Murdock & Horn in "Much Binding"

Very good jokes, nice to have a laugh .

Another little anecdote was of a lady who boarded a train halfway along the journey and saw a vacant place. She enquired "Is this seat taken?" and got the reply "No missus it's still there"

A passenger in a hurry was being a bloody pest about directions to Sloane Square and the staff got cheesed off with it so he was directed onto the eastbound Circle line which was in the platform at that time. He was enquiring at Victoria.

A well to do City gent often turned up at a Baker Street regularly but he never had a ticket and always paid excess saying where he had come from which was West Hampstead. This was reported to revenue department as station staff were sure he was on the fiddle and coming from a lot further out. Rumour had it he was travelling from Chesham. The TTI's came one day and manned the barriers and our gent turned up and said with his plum voice "West Hampstead" Now the TTI's knew for certain that the booking office at WH was open so toff was asked if the escalator was working there [there isn't one] He said yes it was....GOTCHA!!!

Ha Ha Ha, Wonderful! thanks for sharing :o))